Page 88. It will be embedded in my brain & heart forever now. Page 88 put words to a gut level, persistent theme in my life. In my past it manifested as a fight against myself. I would question why I was the way I was and feel shame around it. Today, gratefully, it is more of a knowing than a question. With self knowledge comes a sense of peace. That is what reading page 88 did for me. It took this thing I knew to be true about myself and gave it a voice. It was like a long exhale after holding my breath. Those kind of exhales create new fresh space in the body to allow more in.
This was our first Three Trees Sway attempt at a book club. We made the decision to read
Glennon Doyle's, Untamed, right around the time of the stay home orders. It felt like a functional and simple way to stay connected. Word got out quick and so many of you jumped right in.
I often read books with a list of people in mind who I think would love those specific words. So to know that many of you were reading the same words at the same time felt oddly comforting. There is something powerful about this sort of shared experience. But even more specifically, this book with these words and the experience it brings you through....damn ladies.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle is just that, it is a whole effin experience. One that I wish for every woman I know and love and don't know but still love and even the ones I might not care to spend my time with but still send my love to.....to go through. This book kicked off quarantine for us and gave a new shape to how we have moved forward each day since.
I heard Glennon say in an interview that she wrote this book the way she wanted it to be read, like a sweaty sprint. She wanted the reader to be breathless at the end.
We learn about a cheetah named Tabitha as the book first opens. I immediately fell for Tabitha. I could fee her. I was her. And from that moment on, I devoured this book like I believe Tabitha would. The way Glennon intended us to. It was a sprint with gasping breaks to allow it to settle into my body.
I heard Glennon say in an interview that she wrote this book the way she wanted it to be read, like a sweaty sprint. She wanted the reader to be breathless at the end.
Back to page 88. Just to give a little context, Glennon talks about something she calls the Ache. The Ache is what we avoid when we use the word "fine". When we pretend that everything is cool or no big deal. The Ache is felt deep and wide throughout our being and it is brought on when we are confronted with hard things and beautiful things. Because, let's be honest, beautiful can be hard.
Somewhere along the line, we learn to fear the Ache. It serves as a reminder that regardless of the beauty and love we are feeling in the moment, it will end. It tells us that life is too much, that we are too much, that the hard is too much and we would never be able to handle it all. We go on believing this persistent fear of it all ending and/or being taken away and take it as our signal to gain control. Numb it. Distract. Avoid. Get our shit together.
Glennon shares an experience in her adult life when this Ache came on strong. This time, instead of numbing, distracting, avoiding and saying she was fine, she entered in. Although I wanted to record the entire page here and I thought at least a small piece of what she says.....
"Inside the Ache is the "We". We can do hard things, like be alive and love deep and lose it all, because we can do these hard things alongside everyone who has ever walked the Earth with her eyes, arms, and heart wide open.
The Ache is not a flaw. The Ache is our meeting place. It's the clubhouse of the brave. All the lovers are there. It is where you go alone to meet the world. The Ache is love.
The Ache was never warning me This ends, so leave. She was saying: This end, so stay."
That, "so stay," holy mother of all things worthy......this melted me into a puddle. I stayed in that puddle for some time. I am still here.
Right now, with all that the world is smack in the middle of, it is my daily reminder that I am not fine. I don't want fine. I want the clubhouse of the brave. I will stay in the Ache.
My Untamed book is highlighted and underlined and marked the hell up, the way every profound and gorgeous book should be. From what I understand from many of you, your books look the same. When we had our virtual TTS book discussion it was clear that everyone had their own "page 88" moment. Something reached out of this book and caused a melting for each one of us.
It just occurred to me the reason it has caused so much melting is because it is a freaking fire starter. Yes, you will absolutely exhale slowly and purposefully. You will want to take your time breathing the gifts that these words hold. But don't be fooled. This book will light you the hell up. It will ignite your wild self. It will remind you that you are a God damn cheetah.
There is so much I could say. I could write a book about this book. As a woman and as a mother, Glennon's words pierced me. I know there is much come from our personal and our collective learning to embrace our wild. It was a beautiful first book club moment that will stay with us here at Three Trees Sway. Taking its words with us into our own Ache and our own untaming.
Thank you Glennon.
I will leave you with one last quote.
"I have never been fine again, not for a single moment. I have been exhausted and terrified and angry. I have been overwhelmed and underwhelmed and debilitatingly depressed and anxious. I have been amazed and awed and delighted and overjoyed and bursting. I have been reminded, constantly, by the Ache: This will pass; stay close.
I have been alive. "
This will pass, stay close.
Love,
Bec
