Lately I feel like I’m a walking experiment, or some sort of study of emotions. I’m trying to learn what makes me tick. Or what I’m feeling at any given moment. It’s intense work. And holy crap it’s eye opening. I think my favorite part is not beating myself up for me emotional reactions. Here’s a good example.
I realized that when someone compares their life experiences, responsibilities, or accomplishments to mine I get insanely angry. You can call it rage! It’s not the only thing that makes me mad, but it’s on repeat in my life right now so I’m guessing I need to learn from it.
This is what I’m walking away with. First is, it is totally ok to be mad. However, as a 41yr old grown woman, it’s not so cool to act out on that rage. But I can have it. And that’s not something I would give myself in the past. Not with out rationalizing the heck out of it. Or thinking in some level I should be past it. I’m learning, trying to just let it be. That shit pisses me off. That’s okay. No biggie.
Second, is this. It’s not ok, in my opinion, to decide for someone else what they can or can not handle. What works for me may not work for someone else. And let’s be serious we don’t know what people have going on. And to think we do, and to judge that, and decide that we know best is just so damn unfair.
This past year I realized that instead of all this perspective, I would just try to justify my emotion when I was faced with this sort of judgment. I wasn’t quiet about it either. I needed everyone to know. And that does not make me feel any better. It gets stupid and catty. I’m too old.
At the end of the day, as a woman, there is nothing more loving than being seen and heard for what we can handle. And for how hard we work to try and handle what we can’t. And that love is even bigger when it comes from other women.
So for today, I’m letting myself get pissed when I feel this, and I am triple checking myself when I think I may be the one judging. And I am practicing being gentle with all parties involved. We are all just acting out of our hurt selves and trying desperately to connect. This shit is hard. I love this opportunity to be open with new women, we are a week away from round two.
Love, Liz
