I was about 20 minutes into the car ride when I realized I had been fighting back tears the whole time. There was a lump in my already sore throat, the pound in my head was consistently increasing and the tears were starting to come no matter how hard I fought. I did what I typically do in these moments. I reached out to my sisters. I pulled the car over and texted them both. Their responses were quick and to the point. Basically it boiled down to, "Turn your car around. Listen to your body. Get your ass on your couch and REST."
My body had already made itself clear. If I was honest with myself, it had been dropping hints for a long time. I just chose not to listen. It was too inconvenient. So, I kept going. I kept running at the pace I believed was required to be everything for everyone. Which, is a joke. It is just not a thing. It's impossible. I know this. Yet, I continue to strive for it against my better judgement. If life was like a big classroom with the universe as the teacher, I am the student staring at the classroom window. The one that the teacher knows is capable of so much more but is way too distracted and only allows half the lessons to sink in.
The getting sick part was not all that much of a surprise to me. It happens about once a year. I hit a brick wall and crash. Last year it was the flu at Christmas. This year a virus in the fall. Either way, my ass gets kicked and I am forced to get quiet. What made this go around such a struggle was the mental war zone I created in my head. I just didn't have an adequate enough diagnosis. When I went to the doctor I was told it was a virus that had to “run it's course”. Are you kidding me? Give me strep, an ear infection, even the flu label was better than something that just had to "run it's course". If I was going to do this, I needed to be officially sick. Then I would have the permission I was looking for to take care of myself.
Yet here I was. Diagnosis free, but class was clearly in session. It was time to stop staring out the window and pay attention to the lesson being taught. I had to give myself permission. Dragging my feet, I did the work. I made myself tea, put the essential oil diffuser on, got my new comfy sweats, softest socks and warmest quilt and I entered in to what is known as rest. With all the difficult things I need to do in my job and all the hard moments of being a single mom to three kids, taking the time to nurture myself may just be the most challenging.
I ended up being home for a full week. A full week of giving myself permission. It was not easy. I cried a lot. I needed to. The past year hasn’t been an easy one. It’s been beautiful in so many unexpected and hard earned ways. It has also been exhausting. Now, here I was. A snotty mess of a tissues, menthol cough drops, sappy Netflix movies, teary journal writing, and quiet. Lots of quiet.
It was uncomfortable and it was profound. Here is what I learned….
- I am not responsible for keeping the world running. I can take a break sometimes. In fact, it is required.
- The only permission I need to take care of myself is my own. Amen.
- Sometimes that self-care looks pretty like a yoga class with my lulus on or fancy night out with a friend. Other times it looks like the less attractive old Christmas pjs, a good ugly cry, or doing absolutely nothing while sitting on my couch.
- I am coming out of this rest bubble feeling more grounded and ready for the bigness of life again. I have streams to swim, mountains to climb, and dragons to slay. I need the shedding of layers and grounding in my gut, that only rest can give me.
Three Trees Sway wants to be here for all of your rest journey. The pretty and not so pretty self-care. We want to encourage you to nurture yourself through the misty eyed moments of inspiration while you are with your people and the snot flying cry sessions when you are alone. Or vice versa. Either way, we are here to remind you.....You don't need our permission, but you do need yours. Rest ladies. Soak up the sweet stuff that comes from it. Recharge and refuel. You are doing important work in the world. We need you on solid ground.
Love, Bec
